i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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