and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
