I heard we made out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
