My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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