No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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