Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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