found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
