just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
