we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
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