You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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