More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
