he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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