I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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