just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
