Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
