All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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