All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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