Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
