my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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