u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
