If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
