Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
