so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
