matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
