How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
