since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
