dude i'm inner monologue high
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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