When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
