Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
