It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
