In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
