I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
