Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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