I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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