I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
