Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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