Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Randomize
