anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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