Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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