Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
