This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
