You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
