So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
