You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
