Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
