we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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