Are we in a gay sports bar?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
