I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
