Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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