Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
