Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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