I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
