Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
