what day is it and did you see me today?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
